after

Been thinking a lot lately about “happily every after”. Trying to wrap my head around it and understand what that truly means. It’s not like I can’t be happy, I find happiness in many things and sometimes in the strangest of places. Maybe it’s the ever after part, after what? Recently I have been reminded that the hell I complain about is really not that bad. I was slapped upside the face and called out, screamed at and challenged. Tears were thrown down that I didn’t cause and could not fix.  And yes, mine can be a hell. But compared to the true nightmare that some people live, mine is like the Hello Kitty version, or so I’ve just been told. Which leaves me in an odd place, Hello Kitty is bad enough, but with a pitch folk and horns, yes that is Hell. Japanese culture just eats itself. Is that what’s in store for me? I feel pain and I hurt. I work tirelessly for things to be different, better, for true happiness. Yet sometimes it seems to no avail. Well, I have the different part down, if anything I always been know as different. But that’s not what I am talking about. No I am not dieing of cancer (at least that I know of), and yes I still have a (if you can call it that) job. But those are not the emphatic qualifiers to a wonderful life. And who names their kid Zuzu anyway? Bell ringing equals angle wings, yea I hate that movie. I look back at my past lives and try to figure out where they went wrong. I try to learn and move ahead, but it seems like sometime I am going nowhere, “Oh boy, right again”. So I have to wonder, is it me that causes this? Do I refuse to find the ever after piece? Far from trying to sabotage myself, and seeing thing in a different light then most, I do question the whole fair tale idea.  People think I’m skeptical, and who’s to question people? Anyways, I will ponder more on this, but have to go now. I‘m off for a week of camping out in the wilderness with 1000+ friends, a hippie fest. “Got to get ourselves back to the garden”. That is truly a happy place, so I will research this paradox more. So I’m off to see the Wizard and will see you in five. I Hope to write some more on this subject before I leave, because I’m not letting this one go yet.