hanging myself

Arrg…I’ve missed so much. Almost could be the mantra of my life.



I was outraged at the push back from that stupid overhyped testosterone bowl and the Coca Cola ad, SERIOUSLY…not in english???. But did I write anything? I’ve once again been insulted by the right wing neo-Nazi tea partying Republican assholes and their blatant celebrated ignorance of EVERYTHING these days. But did I write anything? And now, the Olympics…there is just so much there, so much. You know, the Olympics, the world games where nation come together in peace and harmony to compete in sportsmen like ways and reaffirm the strength, glory and commonality of us as the human race….Yea right! Not in the God Blessed United States……WHAT’S THE METAL COUNT!!! GOLD, GOLD, GOLD BABY!!FUCK YOU, YOU SUCK!!! WE WIN YOU FUCKING LOSERS!!! YOU CHEATERS!!! TRASH YOU!!! USA!!! USA!!! USA!!!....someone shoot me now…..but how much have I written??






Anyway, I do have an excuse, feeble albeit. Started back to school, I thought it would be a good move both personally and career wise. I’ve been accepted into an MBA program. Now I spend that little available free time writing about what’s good for business, and organizational leadership. I thought that personally, this would make me feel more empowered, it hasn't. Some nghts, I get this really sick feeling that I made a big mistake. Now I am becoming one of them…………….

Twenty fourteen

So it’s the New Year. This is going to be your year! It’s YOU time, and you go, you. You are going to win this year. Nothing can stand in your way.

Well, what have you done?  That winning thing must be going well. How’s those resolutions coming? Are you feeling improved? Exercising and losing weight daily? Cut down on your drinking? No chocolate, good for you!  Optimistic and happy, it’s a bright sunny full of hope New Year, and the nights will never be dark again. 2014....yea…happy dance…

Guess that resolution about being sarcastic didn’t work out for me, oh well. Maybe I should just shut the fuck up.

tis the season

He’s making a list and checking it twice”……..

·         Objectives

·         to do

·         gifts to buy

·         bucket

·         grocery

·         New Year’s resolutions

·         to call

·         Craigs

·         Goals

·         favorites

·         mailing

·         Angie’s

·         tasks 

·         top ten

·         pros

·         cons

Life is controlled by bullets, and not always the .221 variety. Shit, my “To Do” has gone all Armalite assault on my “Goals”. Damn, so much for those.

Just black dots in front of my eyes, I think it’s some sort of disease. Born out of stagnant water, dead animals, and feces. Spread by larva infestation. Eternally growing and mutating, never to be completed, never to see the light, never. I sit here as if not in awe, and add another stone to the tomb.

Maybe I can skip all those, and go right to…”who’s naughty”

hungry game

Gluttony used to be one of the “Deadly Sins”, now just a way of life. I need that new item, I’m hungry to consume more than I need. I need new, new, new, more, more, more.

And at that exact moment, who would have thought, that the holidays would appear.

Christmas has become such a greedy glutton that it has now eaten Thanksgiving. No longer a “day to give thanks” (I mean after all, this is America. How many of you actually have things to give thanks for? I mean outside the 1%ers) but to be used as an excuse for H O L I D A Y   S A L E S. Get a jump on BLACK FRIDAY and shop early!!! Forget your pathetic existence and spend, spend, spend, buy, buy, buy. All your greedy self-centered love ones need the Perfect Gift, just for them. Look!! The new iFad, wouldn’t little Suzy just love that!

They actually started putting Christmas items out in the stores around here the day after Halloween. Now that it has become socially acceptable that there is no “Thanksgiving”, per say, it is only a matter of time before Christmas in it’s gluttony eats Halloween. Well, probably not Halloween itself, that has become too much of an adult party letting event. Kinda like the purge. An evening to let your demons out in glorious evil delight. But Christmas would certainly eat the day after Halloween. Mark my words, soon to become the NEW Black Friday. But we need a catchy, marketable name. Maybe “All Saints Day Sales”? …oh… or “All Saints Day Savings”(Trade Marked!)

Oh, man, what to do, what ever to do. Hey! If you are looking to get me the “Perfect Gift”, how about a gun with 1 bullet. I’m really hungry.

Not wanted

The office windows across the street stare blankly at me. Black with the reflections of my building’s façade.

It was 15 degrees this morning. Is that why I saw you shiver asked Mother. No, the inner circles are quite warm thanks to you diligence with brimstone, I replied. Well, don’t get use to it, quipped mother. Today I have invested in a new series of initiative consolidations. Therefore creating an Intrinsic Knowledge Service division. I have determined that you will now be a minor addition to that team, …

No seriously. I’ve just been dumped to a whole other department. My last director lasted 6 weeks. I can’t even make light of this. This is the 7^th director I have had in 2 years. I’ve been dumped here so often I’m beginning to feel like a boyfriend of Taylor Swift. I wonder if someone will write a song about me?  

where are all the flowers

Sitting amongst the frozen leaves, I try to think of a time when I wasn’t always…. Wondering where the dreams have gone. It is by late that I come to this place, forgetting all but the simplest realities. The fever has broken and I miss it’s spinning head intensity. Direction, I seem to have lost my direction. Where’s my mapquest app? Where was I going with all of this? I remember a time when I loved the New England Autumn. The leaves changing, the intensity of color. Now but only a precursor to frozen lands and snow covered streets. The leaves are nothing but yard work, a burden. Task that I am too far behind on, and still they fall.  Everything drops from the sky as it turns that deeper winter blue. There is a persistence chill in the air while darkness creeps up early on us. The evenings are full of wood stove heat. All the world is on fire, yet you don’t bring me flowers, and just leaf thru my existence.

 

Performance

The Jorgensen cracks my skull as they tighten the screws. Another drop of my soul is squeezed out. Uncle Fester would be proud.

Hey x boy, I’m crushing your head, I’m crushing your head.

Sogging thru the bloody halls, you could hear the muffled screams from behind closed doors. Hip waders, I thought. I should have worn my hip waders. Good morning X, came the sweet cool voice. Good morning Mother, I responded. What are you doing down here.  Oh, just wanted to see your smiling face, oh wait, I hear you don’t smile anymore, she said with a cherry attitude. Is not the inner circles a pleasing environment these days?  Well, responded I, you might say it’s just a little more humid, as the blood under my shoes made a wet squishy sound as I walked. With your new austerity and staff realignment program, Bob from HR must be racking up that OT, all that murder, and such. Snicker….Your just not looking at it in the right light, mother smiled.

X, I am glad that you could make this meeting, D.B. Dante said in her squeaky voice. This is the time I scheduled with you for my performance review, I stated. Yes, ..snicker…snicker…performance review, let’s start with that D.B said. As you are aware, for the short time that you have been here, I haven’t been your official manager. What? I am your directreport, responded I. Indeed, quipped D.B. with a fucking condescending attitude. But I have only been standing in, sort of to say, not your “official” manager.….snicker.….snicker…snicker….giggle…OK, so what does that actually mean, I questioned. That means, as a stand in manager, I can fill out your performance review in accordance to corporate policy giggle….giggle…giggle….but cannot make any judgment on your performance.  I feel that you have excelled in your role down here, X. You have been exceptional in all aspects and truly outshine your fellow employees. With the giggle…giggle….giggle…ha…ha..new corporate standard of expectations and requirement to go above and beyond, you have excelled and exceeded in all that was expected, establishing a new level of excellence for the department to aspire to meet. Making your overall rating a Meets ha…ha…ha…ha..Expectations… ha…ha..Ha..Ha.. Wait, you just said that I exceeded what was expected, so shouldn’t I be receiving an Exceeds Expectation rating, I politely questioned. Yes, D.B. corrected, you did exceeded expectation, to such a high degree, that you established a new standard of expectation. By doing so,you meet those expectations, so your rating is Meets Expectations.  Ha…Ha…Ha….Ha…Which is a passing grade and will qualify you for a 1% compensation adjustment. But I would be remiss if I didn’t remind you that our corporate standards here demands better than passing grades, we demand excellence. So if you continue to just pass, your position can be in jeopardy. Ha...Ha…HA…HA…HA.. So how do I garnish an Exceeds Expectation grade, I annoyingly questions. Well said D.B. , you need to exceed. But you will have to take that up with your new manager, Mr. Hy Dra. New manager? HA…HA…HA…HA…HA..Your dumping me into the Field Utilization Client Kaon Desk?HA….HA….HA….HA…HA…HA, a support service job? 

As her laughter echoed down the hall, I could feel my face turn red. Mother, you are not very funny snuck out between my drawn lips.  HA…HA….HA…HA….HA…..HA… mother laughed, yes I am, you just have no sense of humor.

Fucking truth, you just can’t make that up.

yard.work

“MOW THE LAWN…MOW THE LAWN….MOW THE LAWN”.” Yes I need to cut the grass”. “It’s a jungle out there”.
A ghost, small shadow of a man responds to the voices in his head. In the solitude of the mechanical background noise and the electronic magnetic field generation from the computer monitors, he listens to the chatter of his keyboard and clicking of his finger on the mouse. Body disconnected from thought processes, a modern corporate human user interface schizoid, buried in the cubefarm, 14^th floor, section 2, 1474. Drolling out an existence that meets the normality principle. In practice, the very model of a moderrrnn….man or major in  tel  lec  teerrr…..general.  As if sudden awaken and able to breathe. He glances around at the three and a half walls that surround him. Then a glaze comes over his eyes and he returns to the keyboard.
“Where did that come from I wonder?” “Don’t ask me”.” It sounds quite quadratic”.” Just stop it”. “I was thinking about grass”. “Yea, so is Sanjay”.” What?” “What”. “What?” “I need to cut the grass”. “I think its suppose to rain on..(?)Thursday(?)”.” No Friday from what I recall”. “Yea, I need to cut the grass, tonight”. “Just avoid the cat”. “That’s not a cat, it’s a monster”. “I know, should never have let it watch shark week”. “Yea, now you are just a baby seal”. “Tell me about it”. “Dove out from under the couch and tore up my leg, like a Great White”. “Damn cat”. “Freaking  Monster”.  “Seal, Damn,  I’ll like to do Heidi Klum”. “What?” “What?” “What!  
Ah..yeaaa…NO. I need to get this report out to Ms. Dante ASAP. I will not be able to attend that meeting. 
 “Did that phone actually ring, or did I just pick it up?” “I didn’t hear it ring”. “Of course it rang, idiots”. “That’s pretty aggressive”. “So when did the word progressive become an insult?” “Worst than liberal”. “Affront to society”. “They like to patter your butt with it”. “I wonder if Heidi likes to get...” “Shut up about Heidi already”. “I mean in general, isn’t progressive better than stagnant or backwards?”“I think this is getting progressively worst”. “You think so?” “Drop the sarcasm”. “Maybe I should talk to someone about this”. “Like you’re not now?” “Damn, if I could meet Heidi Klum..”. “Shut up!” “I need to cut the grass”.

Sub Hommie Sic Ooze

Definitely egotistical on my part, but….


Edward’s at the airport
Keeping off the extradites
We ‘re pounding the pavement
Disenfranchised by the government
The drone in the smog flight
Star wars, big fly
Sees you in it’s eye
smiles waves good bye
Look out kid
It’s somethin’ you did
God knows when
But you are doin’ it again
Gobble up and eat that smart phone
Facebook ain’t no friend
The turtle in the suit jacket
can’t ever bend
keep passing security bills
you can’t even defend.

Crow comes underfoot
County is back to root
Been years since they put
Votes in the right but
Don’t need them anyway
That’s what black robes say
They are in the way
This is just a different day
Look out kid
Don’t matter what you did
Disagreeing is a foe
Don’t try to tweet those
Skip that insta pose
Delete those tags goes
Blogging is just a flow
Meta data always knows
You don’t need a weatherman
To know which way the wind blows

Polar rized, right side
Tea bags giv sore eyes
need money to buy
Else your just fries
Good card, try hard
Always there, never bail
But right sized, downgrade, and they’re too big to fail
Look out kid
You’re gonna get hit
But users, cheaters
7 digit makin losers
rep'ed by NRC theaters
Girly on the small screen
Screamin Ayn Rand mean
Don’t miss the signs
And watch those time lines.

Ah re-cycling, alt energy
Eco friendly, user interface sustainability
Yell and cry, occupy
But the media won’t buy
Vote change, re-arrange, what the dif
On the stand, take the fifth
Twenty years of schoolin’
And your only workin a McyD’s shift
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
Money up the back hole
Lobbies playing want-a-be’s
Don’t wear hoodies
Won’t think you’re a goody
We need assault guns
And call school done
The Leggi won’t work
Because the wrongs are the would be’s


Sorry Bobby, but after all, it’s only tripe.

The real..
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kQUkDOPeHA&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Morning

Red blood orange sun
Smoldering in the morning haze
Rouge cast landscapes
Burn with intensity
Death is in the air

Too Long, In Coming....sorry

The blue security cam blinked at a faster and faster rate. Badge not accepted, badge not accepted, badge not accepted came the grindy metallic female voice. Seriously? This is how my day is going to start?. “Mr X”, boomed in my ears. The voice of God, I thought, just what I need. I have got to get my freaking ass into my desk and do that IT think I do or I will be layed off, I don’t have time for a conversation with God. Hey, maybe I’m dead….yea right, I couldn’t be that lucky. “Mr X, this is security. Sorry for the inconvenience”, as the door made a clicky unlocking sound, “that badge reader has been giving us trouble all morning. You are all set”. Thanks God, I guess you do listen to prayers. Still, why do I feel that the sword of Damocles is hanging over me. Woops, wrong god worship.




The Marlborough man was slouching and leaning on the cubical wall. His McGyver hairdo, now grey, looked full from a distance but was a product of too much hair spray and it’s stiff wind resistance form hid a sparsely populated scalp. “Hey, Xy the badge police got you too”? “That’s X, Mr Marlborough”, I responded.” Yea, yea, Xy don’t get your panties in a wad”, came the reply. “Names are just superfluous identification that do not reveal the true nature of the item, or in this case, the individual described. Take your name for example, X was probably derived from the Latin xecatius that is loosely translated to be a murderous retch in the sub continent of eastern Europe. Now unless your family is hiding some deep dark past, which you hadn’t mentioned, I am sure that is an aleatory coincident. All in all, names are of no matter, because wouldn’t a rose be sweet, if it was named differently”? “No, no, the quote goes “That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. “You know, a rose smells sweet and Montague is just a name”, I joked. “I don’t truly understand what you are speaking of” responded Marlborough,” for I am but speaking for myself, you can quote ME on that”. The Marlborough Man spoke with those pretentious undertones of an over egotistical college professor, without the knowledge base. He seems to be a huge subscriber to “word of the day” and tried to use them as much as he could. Today’s must be aleatory, because yesterdays was superfluous. “So uh, Marlborough, are you going somewhere”? I questioned. His new manufacture’s distressed leather coat which was strung over one shoulder matched his J.C.Penney cowboy boots perfectly. “Smoke break”, he said. MBM always had a cigarette tucked behind his left ear and disappeared three to four times a day for 20 minutes smoke breaks, though I never saw him in the designated smoking area set up by our Corporate Mother. “Didn’t you just get here”? Respond I. “Besides, I need your input matrix for that vendor report before the end of the day”. “I’m glad you mentioned that”, MBM stated clearing his throat. “The challenge at the moment is providing a resolution to the issue in the short-term, which I question as being the successful solution". "Being that there are only two options currently available, I propose that a study is done on the value of the use of the matrix and it’s overall coherency to this proposal”. “I have consulted with Weasel Boy on this matter and will follow up with an email before the end of the day”. “So afterwards, let me know your thoughts and we can move forward from there”. “MBM, we have been over this numerous times, it is getting superfluous (trr…rump, bum, crash…in your face!), that matrix is a small but essential part of the vendor report , I need it before the end of the day”, I said with some annoyance. “Well, now that is what I call a pseudo-concise response". "I just don’t see the data as being RIO driven and feel sharing it in matrix form is poor communications” MBM came back with. “MBM, you have been working on this matrix for over a month". "As you are aware, the director of the Inner Circle of Hell wants it as part of the report”, I reminded him. “Well, I had worked on it exclusively yet then had to attend to other matters". "I will tweak what I have of a matrix form and pass the file onto you". "Please take the liberty of changing the format to justify the requirements and take ownership at that point”, MBM stated with the upmost authority.



Staring at the unwavering blue eye of God, I scream in solemn pray. "Open up the pearly gates and I shall follow the light to all eternity". "Mr. X, are you OK"? Came the response from security. "Yea, I’m just trying to remember where I parked my car".




 

Quite

Shhh….don’t tell anybody.....

....I’m still here. Still hanging on, still believing. Held down, drawn and quartered, the blood soaked floor bare witness to my obstinate refusal to give in. Castration (?) bring it on, I am already dead man walking. I came to the realization that my life could never make it as a reality TV show. No one would believe that it is not made up, that it is real. Besides, I wouldn’t want to fuck a Kardashian, I’m not that desperate.   

shaking a spear and barking at the moon

So what is happening to my little blog-o-sphere? It seems to be shrinking and vanishing before my eyes. I have seen it move toward oblivion. I realize that I have not posted what anyone would possibly call compelling or timely. But then again, I was never looking for ratings. Excuses, excuses, excuses. And I only have been a lure for trolls. No insult intended to all those few followers. Still, now I am restricted from commenting on some sites and dropped from preferred status like yesterdays entertainment (do you think Amanda Bynes will get her groove back and stop being a Hollywood has been?) news on other blogs? What an illusion burst. And some of those sites I really enjoyed. This is beginning to feel like where I work, dumped. It’s not like I’m an ax murderer (?!?) or a really psychotic (Zombies don’t count, and someone really needs to off the govn’r.) sociopathic (did I jst say that?) scitzo. I am just a whinny asshole, but looking at it that way, I may even dump me. How much whining can anyone take. Ya kno…. I think I will dump me. I’ve had it. Who the hell do I think I am? Everyone is right, what an egotistical looser. I should have listened to their advice and dumped me years ago. Just an albatross that draw out the days. I am so out of here, fuck me, I hate you x, you are blocked. You have wasted my fifteen minute for too long. I no longer need you, I no longer want you. You should leave now. Good bye x, you are just so, yesterday…………..just pure tripe.




There would have been a time for such a word. Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day To the last syllable of recorded time, And all our yesterdays have lighted fools, the way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, Signifying nothing…..

winter wine

Winter seems particularly long this year. Snow peeks out from shadow areas and stands as dilapidated mound sentinels at corners and parking lots. The breeze blow chills around ungloved hands. My brain is frozen, a forgotten gallon of Ben and Jerry’s ice-cream in the back of the freezer. Looking at it, one wonders, if it’s still viable at all. How long has it been back there? It doesn’t look right. Do you remember buying it, I certainly don’t. But then again I wouldn’t, remember that is. Color has gone right out of me. Everything in dull hues. And I kinda remember that it is March, but it doesn’t feel that way. February, it still feels like February. Yet they tell me April is around the corner. Here my fingers ache, as I pound on the keys. Just another honkey tonk piano player in some smoke infested saloon, whining out his existence. I really have nothing to say, inarticulate beyond….um..? Yet I still come stumbling back here.

cursed

evil eyes forlonged stare befix upon me,
almond shaped lizard iris anime character.
what could I have possible done to piss you off?
Someone call Space Ghost, I need justice.

road trip

Fingers cold and stiff lie lifeless on keyboard

There is a noise inside my head that echoes around and around the empty dark corridors. Brushing by the cobwebs, they wave good-bye in its passing.

The darkness is the silence of the stone cast amongst the hillside.

And roadways littered with dirty brown snow, soiled filthy piles lining wet black asphalt, to splash and spread their contamination onto white lawn pureness.

Only steely grey skies bear witness to the rape as the petrol chemical fumes churn from the planet destroyer enroute to the gates of Hell.

You will have the presentation done before we arrive for the meeting, he asked.

Yea, sure, no problem.

013 don't give a shit

So x, I am not very happy with your recent performance. Fuck you, mother. Be careful x, I OWN you, I can easily get rid of you. Oh, I thought you already had, what my productivity numbers are not up to par? Have I not programmed the inner circle of hell enought? Though your numbers are satisfactory, they are not up to your par. Really mother, you dumped me, put a restraining order against me, and you think that I should blindly follow you around like some lonely geek worshiping the ground his ex-girlfriend walks upon? I get the picture and understand my worth here. I don’t need to satisfy you, but to just do my new job. You weren’t even a very good girlfriend. It was always about you. You, you, you, your wants, your desires, your needs. What about me? I gave you everything you could possible dream and desire. I fucking ravished and killed for you, and you still dumped me. So the hell with you. I’ve about had it x. I don’t care. If you have a problem with my productivity and metrics, take it up with SisterHR. X, X, X, I think we have stepped off with the wrong foot here. You know I still need you, I still want you. It wasn’t you, it was me. I want us to be together again, I want us to make that perfect harmony. You and me taking on all that comes our way. All you need to do is prove to me that you still want me. Just take care of AB with your expertise. You know I always loved watching you work, the way you moved. Just thinking about it makes me want to take you. So just this one little thing, and we can go back to the way it use to be. I am so through with you, mother. I know you don’t mean that x. I know what you really think and how you feel. You want me, you need me. Not to fulfill my request is admitting that you are weak and that you lost. And you are not like that. You know actually nothing about me, mother. After all I opened up to you, all I’ve given to you, and you have no idea who I really am. It is sad, and you need to get away from me. HOW DARE YOU! I will have you x, I will have you at my feet, pleading for me to look at you. You will see, no one say no to me. Whatever mother. Next time please follow your established protocol, call and make an appointment before coming down here. Unfortunately I am busy keeping up my numbers and I can’t be bothered by such distractions. We will see x, see you come begging back to me on your hands and knees when I take away your bennies. Whatever, mother. I promise you x, you will die in the most hideous withdraws. A crumpled and destroyed man and I will stand over you laughing. Whatever, mother.

ah

I find myself at a particular crossroad. I have volumes of rants that want to be heard. From the season, to the Mayans, commercialism, gluttony, stupidity, and too many deaths. All fighting to get out, to ride the razor edge. Yet there is an emptiness inside of me. The darkness of apathy and “who gives a fuck”.  It restricts my fingers from typing and resounds in my head like thunder in the night sky. And for a moment I think, that opening my skull and letting it all out would remove this sadness, righting all that is wrong. Probably would, but who am I to say. Then again, the year end is upon us, hope and the dawning of a new day, a new year. A time for all those resolutions, the “best of 2012” list, and a reflection on what was lost. So much to look forward to, so much to reflect upon. It would be such a shame not to indulge is those temptations. Yet, temptation is such a wanton thing. Yes, I’ll have L7 with the pork fried rice, egg roll and wanton soup. Probably not the healthiest choice, as dietary advice would put it. But sometimes one just needs to give in to the excitement and attraction. Seeking fulfillment and passion, making the world yours. Or at least becoming a Revisionist Historian.....

Really, fortune cookie before the meal?

So it is the End of the World

Things I have learned:

Nobody gives a shit how hard YOU work.
Tomorrows are just another opportunity to get screwed over.
Money and the rich rule all.
Eat the rich.
The things that should be blogged, hurt too much to type.
Saying “Fuck you all” is not the right thing to do, yet sometimes it just feels so good.
Hope is eternal, so are the scars of torture.
If you think you are getting ahead, means that you missed something.
Preppies wear Polo, Preppers wear Camo.
The difference between you and me, is that I am not the TOTALLY Insane one.
Daylight and darkness makes no difference if your blind.
Find or do the stupidest think you can think of, it’s bound to be a hit TV show.
Being cursed really does suck.
That drugs and alcohol don’t mix, but psychos with guns do.
If it’s sensational bull shit crap, the News Media will feed it down your throats.
This life was way over rated, can I get a refund?
Worlds come and Worlds go, but sex is still number one.

whatever remix

Well hello there October, you are looking perky and crisp. Ahh..h..h.. another year down the tubes. It’s EVAL time again, and Corporate Mother is once again in a bad mood. She has to deal with all those pesky money grubbing 47%ers that believe in Fair Pay for Fair Work. Who do they really think that they are to ask for “entitlements”, or to even address her! But I am a good corporate whore. Even cast down to an inner circle of hell amongst the sodomites, I still eagerly await for my bennies. Just like a trained dolphin, jump, jump, jump…..


He’s your fish.